Thursday, July 30, 2009
i think the reason why i stay awake and blog more often at night/early morn is because i'm more reflective, more receptive to my own thoughts and feelings then. its like a clear night sky, revealed for everyone to see.
my parents think i'm addicted to my laptop. they don't understand, my hands itch to write but they don't appreciate that i love fanfiction. how much i love reading others' work or writing my own. my old com is full of stories but i've saved only the best in my thumbdrive because i like to carry them everywhere. i doubt they know that.
i think watching air gear inspired my latest batch of poems and stories. plus the last few weeks of highs and lows, all of it gets interwoven into my stories. i deleted a story yesterday because it reminded me so much of the old us. i hate the new us -coz of stupidity, we aren't the same. not a single one of us remained the same. and for it to translate itself into my story, well, it stings badly.
nothing holds you down.
like a bird,
you soar way out of anyone's grasp.
but when you're happy,
you find me again.
i can't take it anymore
so i'm leaving,
but i'm not looking back.
my heart, the keys, the lock.
they might belong to you
but in time to come,
they'll return to me.
my parents think i'm addicted to my laptop. they don't understand, my hands itch to write but they don't appreciate that i love fanfiction. how much i love reading others' work or writing my own. my old com is full of stories but i've saved only the best in my thumbdrive because i like to carry them everywhere. i doubt they know that.
i think watching air gear inspired my latest batch of poems and stories. plus the last few weeks of highs and lows, all of it gets interwoven into my stories. i deleted a story yesterday because it reminded me so much of the old us. i hate the new us -coz of stupidity, we aren't the same. not a single one of us remained the same. and for it to translate itself into my story, well, it stings badly.
nothing holds you down.
like a bird,
you soar way out of anyone's grasp.
but when you're happy,
you find me again.
i can't take it anymore
so i'm leaving,
but i'm not looking back.
my heart, the keys, the lock.
they might belong to you
but in time to come,
they'll return to me.
what we could have been, 1:08 am.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
"sometimes, what you see... isn't what you get.
and what you get... isn't what you see.
of course, what you see and get,
isn't necessarily the truth, either."
i heard this in my dream last night. it was pretty chaotic yet these words rang out to me so clearly. i was free-falling again. i hate that dream. the one when you seriously feel like you're floating and the next second you're plummeting to your death and despite thinking its only a dream, you actually feel the pull as you hurtle downwards, the wind messing up your hair.
the funny thing, it was my voice. myself, saying this. but to who, what. i really dont know.
i havent been to church in a long while. and i do feel guilty at times. then i remember all the anger and pain and this vicious cycle starts again. why can't i put my hurt to rest? why can't i clear my heart and let god back in? was it because i felt so betrayed, for something i strongly believed in and would never be accepted? i keep seeing signs, messages. but the strongest one yet came on sunday. and it felt like a balm on my soul. so does that equate to taking steps of the healing process?
and what you get... isn't what you see.
of course, what you see and get,
isn't necessarily the truth, either."
i heard this in my dream last night. it was pretty chaotic yet these words rang out to me so clearly. i was free-falling again. i hate that dream. the one when you seriously feel like you're floating and the next second you're plummeting to your death and despite thinking its only a dream, you actually feel the pull as you hurtle downwards, the wind messing up your hair.
the funny thing, it was my voice. myself, saying this. but to who, what. i really dont know.
i havent been to church in a long while. and i do feel guilty at times. then i remember all the anger and pain and this vicious cycle starts again. why can't i put my hurt to rest? why can't i clear my heart and let god back in? was it because i felt so betrayed, for something i strongly believed in and would never be accepted? i keep seeing signs, messages. but the strongest one yet came on sunday. and it felt like a balm on my soul. so does that equate to taking steps of the healing process?
what we could have been, 10:01 pm.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
i'm sooooooooooo addicted to air gear now. (btw, its all your fault, joel) and i cant stop watching. was so restless in class this afternoon coz i had to stop halfway through an episode and rush to school. the only thing i cant stand is the total blase-ness of jap anime/manga about nude scenes. i think michelle was laughing (and oddly calling me a pervert) after a particular episode, which made my face turn all red, and i had to stop watching or my parents might have suspected something.
and i love them all~. hahha. i love spitfire -he's got red hair, big plus! hahhaha. and kazu, blonde hair; sexy, english-dubbed voice. and the split-personality, akito&agito, kid. omgggg. he's such a darl. simica, she's got ulterior motives but she's so typically likeable (read: her likeable nature could probably overlook her not-so-decent personality).
upon reading this, i sound like a mother obsessing over children. man, i feel old. -.- but whatever. my bro was really curious to know what i was watching and i had to desperately cover the laptop coz its obscene and i didnt need my 12 year old kid brother mooning over it.
and i love them all~. hahha. i love spitfire -he's got red hair, big plus! hahhaha. and kazu, blonde hair; sexy, english-dubbed voice. and the split-personality, akito&agito, kid. omgggg. he's such a darl. simica, she's got ulterior motives but she's so typically likeable (read: her likeable nature could probably overlook her not-so-decent personality).
upon reading this, i sound like a mother obsessing over children. man, i feel old. -.- but whatever. my bro was really curious to know what i was watching and i had to desperately cover the laptop coz its obscene and i didnt need my 12 year old kid brother mooning over it.
what we could have been, 11:40 pm.
naive - to be trusting, childlike. sincere, innocuous.
is that me? seriously? jeremy and mich say that i am. and jt totally agrees. online defintion saysthat i'm too 'wide-eyed'. hahah. looked it up elsewhere and it says 'babe in the woods'. what the eff man. i think trusting and childlike could just about push it.
i know they worry about me being cheated, being hurt again. can i really cope with that? i trust all them so much it hurts. but when feelings come into play, the mirror becomes a murky pond, a smokescreen. i really cant tell the truth from a lie.
i put my trust in your hands.
everyone's screaming no.
but i can't let it go.
my head says one way,
my heart the other.
please dont hurt me.
not again,
i couldnt go through
all that once more.
is that me? seriously? jeremy and mich say that i am. and jt totally agrees. online defintion saysthat i'm too 'wide-eyed'. hahah. looked it up elsewhere and it says 'babe in the woods'. what the eff man. i think trusting and childlike could just about push it.
i know they worry about me being cheated, being hurt again. can i really cope with that? i trust all them so much it hurts. but when feelings come into play, the mirror becomes a murky pond, a smokescreen. i really cant tell the truth from a lie.
i put my trust in your hands.
everyone's screaming no.
but i can't let it go.
my head says one way,
my heart the other.
please dont hurt me.
not again,
i couldnt go through
all that once more.
what we could have been, 12:10 am.
Monday, July 27, 2009
such nice, wet weather. i just want to bury back into my blankets and sleep the day away. seriously, i'm super tempted to skip class but jeremy reminded me there's only two weeks more of school. plus he's graduating this term so i guess i rather spend time crapping with the boys in class.
MICHI. please answer your phone you daft cow! elyn's been trying to contact you all weekend. hahaha. i swear, your iphone was bought as some table accessory. anyways all the best today yeah? dont get yourself killed.
brand new week ahead. trying to keep positive for my sake, and nearly everyone else's. the weekend was shyte but its over. messy, gory and no-one came out unhurt but we'll live.
completely addicted.
i cant stop.
you're my drug,
and you're the cure.
i cant resist you anymore.
do you see how much you affect me?
MICHI. please answer your phone you daft cow! elyn's been trying to contact you all weekend. hahaha. i swear, your iphone was bought as some table accessory. anyways all the best today yeah? dont get yourself killed.
brand new week ahead. trying to keep positive for my sake, and nearly everyone else's. the weekend was shyte but its over. messy, gory and no-one came out unhurt but we'll live.
completely addicted.
i cant stop.
you're my drug,
and you're the cure.
i cant resist you anymore.
do you see how much you affect me?
what we could have been, 11:42 am.
i think you have to grab it while you can.
you take what you can get.
cause it's here and then its
GONE.
i'll be lying if i said i was healing. coz evidently i'm not. i feel terrible having pushed my friends away when all they want is to help me. sometimes when new relationships bloom when old ones die, but it doesn't take the sting away. new relationships have their fair share of problems too and i shouldnt give up just because the road got a little too bumpy.
like the quote, there's no way i'm gonna give up this easily. this .. is right here, right now, in front of us. and i'm not letting this chance slip away from me. so maybe one day we wont even talk to each other, but til then i'm chasing after shooting stars and making each one count.
you take what you can get.
cause it's here and then its
GONE.
i'll be lying if i said i was healing. coz evidently i'm not. i feel terrible having pushed my friends away when all they want is to help me. sometimes when new relationships bloom when old ones die, but it doesn't take the sting away. new relationships have their fair share of problems too and i shouldnt give up just because the road got a little too bumpy.
like the quote, there's no way i'm gonna give up this easily. this .. is right here, right now, in front of us. and i'm not letting this chance slip away from me. so maybe one day we wont even talk to each other, but til then i'm chasing after shooting stars and making each one count.
what we could have been, 12:28 am.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
i'm so drained. seriously the phrase 'all cried out' suits me now. i'm upset but my eyes remain dry. i hate looking into mirrors whenever i cry coz the whites of my eyes have become red. Even now there's still streaks of angry red.
i really am happy that michelle's sticking by me through this. i think she must be so sick of the drama but she rolls her eyes and happily accompany me or chat with me. and she's thrilled to have unearthed the fahrenheit supporter in me. hahhaa. or maybe she's sick of it since i make happy squealing noises whenever i see jiro, especially in leather. hahahha. =x
plunge straight to the heart.
twist the knife.
half-dead,
and yet all you do
is torture me.
i hate how you affect me.
i really am happy that michelle's sticking by me through this. i think she must be so sick of the drama but she rolls her eyes and happily accompany me or chat with me. and she's thrilled to have unearthed the fahrenheit supporter in me. hahhaa. or maybe she's sick of it since i make happy squealing noises whenever i see jiro, especially in leather. hahahha. =x
plunge straight to the heart.
twist the knife.
half-dead,
and yet all you do
is torture me.
i hate how you affect me.
what we could have been, 8:45 pm.
constant crying jags over the last two days. total emotional turmoil. fuck this. i feel so helpless and on tenterhooks.
really grateful to both mich and wj. i think without my two bestest of best friends, i would have totally fallen apart. pity both of them for having to witness seperate breakdowns and unable to help me. thanks you two.
just the thought of everything that's happen makes me tearful. too many goodbyes in a short weekend. the biggest of them all, i will probably regret but i know in my heart, i need to do it.
i'm sorry.
really i am.
its hurts me too.
but i just want my life back.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
really grateful to both mich and wj. i think without my two bestest of best friends, i would have totally fallen apart. pity both of them for having to witness seperate breakdowns and unable to help me. thanks you two.
just the thought of everything that's happen makes me tearful. too many goodbyes in a short weekend. the biggest of them all, i will probably regret but i know in my heart, i need to do it.
i'm sorry.
really i am.
its hurts me too.
but i just want my life back.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.
what we could have been, 10:17 am.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
hokays. decided not to commiserate about my turning eighteen. so i've asked michelle to accompany and get blind-drunk. hahhaha. although that could be a little tough. i dont get drunk drunk but instead i get high and talkative. i dont really think about what i'm talking.
yesterday was fucking stupid. i'm really pissed off at myself for suggesting it just so i could feel happy for five fucking seconds. didnt get drunk but got really really hyper. i even took a bus home much to michelle's concern.
couldnt sleep til past four am. conked out until 8 and i'm super awake now. might have a post-drink crash later in the noon or tonight. i think this round i'll stick to barcardi and coke so mich wont have to watch me drink alk like water. she thinks my reaction is funny though. i dont quite appreciate alcohol apparently.
oh yeah, mich. i can drink alcohol on an empty stomach but the following morning i feel like dying after eating breakfast. -.- so much for the 'old' warning.
s'anyways got a hotel room tonight so mich and i are gonna go high and say a lotta stupid things i think. either that or she's gonna drag me to orchard ion (the hotel's in orchard for fuck's sake). btw, i think the drink i told you about, mich, sounds interesting. but you gotta order it coz i sure as hell wont like it.
half-listening to michelle and her dad's argument. its pretty hilarious. i think her dad thinks we're staying at the hotel to rendevous with boys. hahha. somehow he must think we're gathering for a --- orgy. -.- lols. funnee funnee. i think it'll be a mostly boy-free weekend. maybe dinner with some peeps but after that it'll be me and mich on our own.
yesterday was fucking stupid. i'm really pissed off at myself for suggesting it just so i could feel happy for five fucking seconds. didnt get drunk but got really really hyper. i even took a bus home much to michelle's concern.
couldnt sleep til past four am. conked out until 8 and i'm super awake now. might have a post-drink crash later in the noon or tonight. i think this round i'll stick to barcardi and coke so mich wont have to watch me drink alk like water. she thinks my reaction is funny though. i dont quite appreciate alcohol apparently.
oh yeah, mich. i can drink alcohol on an empty stomach but the following morning i feel like dying after eating breakfast. -.- so much for the 'old' warning.
s'anyways got a hotel room tonight so mich and i are gonna go high and say a lotta stupid things i think. either that or she's gonna drag me to orchard ion (the hotel's in orchard for fuck's sake). btw, i think the drink i told you about, mich, sounds interesting. but you gotta order it coz i sure as hell wont like it.
half-listening to michelle and her dad's argument. its pretty hilarious. i think her dad thinks we're staying at the hotel to rendevous with boys. hahha. somehow he must think we're gathering for a --- orgy. -.- lols. funnee funnee. i think it'll be a mostly boy-free weekend. maybe dinner with some peeps but after that it'll be me and mich on our own.
what we could have been, 10:23 am.
my emotions have racking up ever since the incident happened. and i think with nearly 18 years of experience i would have recognised the symptoms and taken pre-emptive action but noooo, i had to stupidly jump with two feet in.
so now i've got one person who's gotten the wrong idea, a few others 'enlightened' by my drunk-high stupor talking and him. its stupid. that everytime this happens, i get very very upset and start crying. silly laura. its dumb and people get the wrong idea.
actually had a pretty okay day at the beginning. pool was really fun. i think i have zero skills whatsoever. and plus with depth perception problems, i cant quite aim but its fun. michelle, my resident bimbo, takes enormous effort, and fails, in remembering whether she's solid or stripes. and of course our pro (goddamnit, of course he looks good just playing with us) just sighs in exasperation.
no more pretend.
there's you, there's me.
nothing else.
so now i've got one person who's gotten the wrong idea, a few others 'enlightened' by my drunk-high stupor talking and him. its stupid. that everytime this happens, i get very very upset and start crying. silly laura. its dumb and people get the wrong idea.
actually had a pretty okay day at the beginning. pool was really fun. i think i have zero skills whatsoever. and plus with depth perception problems, i cant quite aim but its fun. michelle, my resident bimbo, takes enormous effort, and fails, in remembering whether she's solid or stripes. and of course our pro (goddamnit, of course he looks good just playing with us) just sighs in exasperation.
no more pretend.
there's you, there's me.
nothing else.
what we could have been, 12:12 am.
Friday, July 24, 2009
just finished my er assignment. good gosh. i think i rewrote my assignment like 3 or 4 times. i'm totally blaming school if i develop compulsive-obsessive disorder. coz i think i am. well, sorta. hahha.
my feature article is finally done. mich is gonna whack me for it. i swear, it'll happen. she wanted to see it before i handed it in. but knowing her, if i did, i would never get to hand it in. its sugary sweet and fluffy enough to make you sigh in envy yet chuckle at the hilarity of reality not quite grasped.
saturday is my early bday party of one. hahha. i'll be moping around for turning eighteen. i know i know. maybe a year ago i would have been dying to turn eighteen. now i'm dreading it.
PLUS someone had to share his female-male market value theory. according to his theory, i'm about to hit my peak which would continue to a ripe old age of 25 before it goes into a sharp, accelerated downhill.
i swear, if i dont get married by 28, i'm ordering myself a mail order groom ("bride") and we'll get hitched. believe me, i'm miserable enough to do it.
my feature article is finally done. mich is gonna whack me for it. i swear, it'll happen. she wanted to see it before i handed it in. but knowing her, if i did, i would never get to hand it in. its sugary sweet and fluffy enough to make you sigh in envy yet chuckle at the hilarity of reality not quite grasped.
saturday is my early bday party of one. hahha. i'll be moping around for turning eighteen. i know i know. maybe a year ago i would have been dying to turn eighteen. now i'm dreading it.
PLUS someone had to share his female-male market value theory. according to his theory, i'm about to hit my peak which would continue to a ripe old age of 25 before it goes into a sharp, accelerated downhill.
i swear, if i dont get married by 28, i'm ordering myself a mail order groom ("bride") and we'll get hitched. believe me, i'm miserable enough to do it.
what we could have been, 1:57 am.
i feel really upset. really i do. i'm not about to be a hypocrite. i like to gossip, i admit so when the gossip is about me, i just gotta smile and endure it. but when its something i can neither deny or agree then it gets messy.
but since when should it matter to anyone else? have i hurt anyone in the process? if so, please step forward coz i will sincerely apologise.
on another note, when you meet someone who could be a potential soulmate in a multitude of ways or in just one way. it doesnt mean you'll stay with him. a chemistry so powerful is hard to ignore but who's to stop the sparks? am i to feel guilty? for something so pure, so real? we're running on emotions, not logic.
i dont know why but were we too oblivious to the world going by? people noticing things that i miss, things i cant see. i cant say much but this much i know - he means a lot to me. and i'd be damned to let him go.
i admit i care.
he does too.
i love to talk.
he listens with a open heart.
he's everything i want,
he's everything i need.
he knows what to say
to make me feel ok.
i'll be ok.
but since when should it matter to anyone else? have i hurt anyone in the process? if so, please step forward coz i will sincerely apologise.
on another note, when you meet someone who could be a potential soulmate in a multitude of ways or in just one way. it doesnt mean you'll stay with him. a chemistry so powerful is hard to ignore but who's to stop the sparks? am i to feel guilty? for something so pure, so real? we're running on emotions, not logic.
i dont know why but were we too oblivious to the world going by? people noticing things that i miss, things i cant see. i cant say much but this much i know - he means a lot to me. and i'd be damned to let him go.
i admit i care.
he does too.
i love to talk.
he listens with a open heart.
he's everything i want,
he's everything i need.
he knows what to say
to make me feel ok.
i'll be ok.
what we could have been, 1:39 am.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
michelle and i had a total brainwave yesterday while swimming and started to put it into action. hopefully this round it wont be as disastrous or insane. she wants to do the AGONISINGLY EMBARRASSING route while i want to do the simple yet understandable route.
stupid idiot.
feh.
today nearly died of overheating sia. i think michelle was equally overheated -she turned red like a cooked lobster which made me feel hungry. hahhaa. note to self: must not think cannabalistic thoughts.
was told to lay off 'heavy' exercising since i wasn't losing weight but putting it on by making myself 'muscle-y'. not my words obviously.
michelle's thrilled that she doesnt have to do tiring exercises while i'm more disappointed since my meals have significantly been altered to accomodate the lack of exercise. le sigh.
stupid idiot.
feh.
today nearly died of overheating sia. i think michelle was equally overheated -she turned red like a cooked lobster which made me feel hungry. hahhaa. note to self: must not think cannabalistic thoughts.
was told to lay off 'heavy' exercising since i wasn't losing weight but putting it on by making myself 'muscle-y'. not my words obviously.
michelle's thrilled that she doesnt have to do tiring exercises while i'm more disappointed since my meals have significantly been altered to accomodate the lack of exercise. le sigh.
what we could have been, 10:24 pm.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
i'm sooooooooooo exhausted. went swimming with mich two days in a row. my whole body just aches. i think i'm gonna crash before ten today.
what we could have been, 8:00 pm.
my maid just left so i'm allowed to be sad.
i miss her already.
i felt so bad when she kept apologising if she had made mistakes
but i think SOMEONE made more mistakes than her
and yet she 'graciously' accepted my maid's apologies.
like wtffff.
i miss her already.
i felt so bad when she kept apologising if she had made mistakes
but i think SOMEONE made more mistakes than her
and yet she 'graciously' accepted my maid's apologies.
like wtffff.
what we could have been, 9:19 am.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
you know how great it feels to be amicable with someone you had those big unforgivable arguments with yet both chose to forgive and mostly forget? yeah, i totally do feel happy. i dont feel so pressured to always feel guilty and to sidle away whenever person A approaches. but yet it is a little awkward but i guess all in moderation, i cant quite expect miracles out of this.
greenballs.highlighters.JT'swedding. ♥
greenballs.highlighters.JT'swedding. ♥
what we could have been, 11:15 pm.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Gee.. What i really want for my birthday is a welsh corgi pembroke puppy but knowing my parents, its totally unlikely. =(
what we could have been, 4:27 pm.
deserted fairground. broken promises. the pink, pink sky.
i've never felt this alone.
maybe i've been too dependent.
two years, seven months and 29 days,
disappearing into the murky depths of the past.
crazy about romance and illusions.
somebody lurks in the shadows
somebody whispers
somebody lurks in the shadows
i've never felt this alone.
maybe i've been too dependent.
two years, seven months and 29 days,
disappearing into the murky depths of the past.
crazy about romance and illusions.
somebody lurks in the shadows
somebody whispers
somebody lurks in the shadows
what we could have been, 2:05 am.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you,
and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you,
and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.
and the reason why i cant place the entire song is because i'm hesitating. the so-called happy ending isn't there. i cant play pretend anymore. the hands that held my heart from slipping out are done. there's no more 'now or never'. its just the 'never' moments.
shattered glass from the dome we isolated ourselves from everything. maybe that was the mistake. or maybe giving you something i held so dear was too much responsibility. can you tell me just where along the line did i become a burden to you? was i that blind to have ignored all the signs?
once bitten, twice shy. how about a million times? can anyone teach me how to heal that?
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you,
and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you,
and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.
and the reason why i cant place the entire song is because i'm hesitating. the so-called happy ending isn't there. i cant play pretend anymore. the hands that held my heart from slipping out are done. there's no more 'now or never'. its just the 'never' moments.
shattered glass from the dome we isolated ourselves from everything. maybe that was the mistake. or maybe giving you something i held so dear was too much responsibility. can you tell me just where along the line did i become a burden to you? was i that blind to have ignored all the signs?
once bitten, twice shy. how about a million times? can anyone teach me how to heal that?
what we could have been, 11:57 pm.
i feel like the whole world has collasped.
i'm hurt, confused and overly emotional
so shut the eff up
and let me mope in my corner.
i'm hurt, confused and overly emotional
so shut the eff up
and let me mope in my corner.
what we could have been, 10:39 pm.
